For No Apparent Reason
by NebulaBelt
Summary: One-shot. A stressed out new leader for the Cousins, Caffeine, Random Crossovers, Improbably Circumstances, Impossible Plot Holes, Gender Confusion, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Absolute Chaos. In other words; same old, same old. Random Silliness Ahead! Not


Hello all! This is a little parting gift for you all to read while I go away for a week. So be sure to read this (and the latest chapter of "Beyond Friendship," I'll look forward to reading your reviews when I return).

What you are about to read is entirely nonsensical.

It's the result of reading too many weird fanfics over a short period of time. It is not meant to be part of any mainline story arc and is completely divorced from anything going on in any of my other fics. A non-cannon character is introduced and will be used more properly in upcoming fics, but don't look to his characterization here as being indicative of him. He's completely out of character in this story, but then again, so is just about every one else.

I'd like to dedicate this to the usual Care Bear fanfic authors who inspired me to write for the Care Bears (though after reading this maybe they'll have regretted doing so) and to three authors in particular who inspired the random silliness this fic embodies and whose works directly influenced this one:

**LM** (author of My Little Pony and Justice League fics)

**Wayward** (author of Transformers, both Generation-1 and Beast Wars, fics)

**Cerwyn** **Daquin** (author of Knuckles the Echidna fics)

This fic is rated PG-13 for mild swearing and situations that are not particularly bad, but completely odd for the Care Bears.

Scared now? You will be…Scared and confused.

Enjoy! I'll be back in a week.

"**FOR NO APPARENT REASON"**

Something was wrong Soulful Heart Fox realized as he walked into the Hall of Hearts. First off he had no idea what he was doing there. He hadn't even been introduced properly into any fan fiction yet! He was just dropped unceremoniously into this story with nary an introduction or anything even remotely resembling one, which would only confuse the readers who would have no idea who the hell he was. _"The audience will just have to cope," _he shrugged.

Aside from his unexplained entrance and some bad Fourth Walling, there was another problem. Namely, a rather improbable note written hastily by Noble Heart Horse announcing that he and True Heart Bear had left the Kingdom of Caring on a thinly veiled pretext of "going to find themselves," which Soulful translated as "wanted to get the hell away before this family drove them insane." The note also said that Tenderheart Bear and Brave Heart Lion would not be around for the next day or so for reasons not fully explained. Therefore it announced that stand-in leaders would be appointed for the Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins.

Soulful couldn't quite figure out what the method used was, other than it seemed to involve a blind lottery, coin flipping, and the cruelty of some god or goddess Soulful must have offended for he was named as the temporary replacement leader for the Cousins.

Soulful Heart wanted to cry. He'd rather listen to Shrieky sing than lead this bunch of nut jobs and assorted wackos. Several unpleasant thoughts crossed his mind, not the least of which was the thought that the inmates had been put in charge of the asylum. After glaring at the narration for a moment for announcing his thoughts like that, Soulful stormed out to gather his charges for the day.

He decided to try being diplomatic and tactful. Soulful calmly gathered all the Cousins in the Hall of Hearts, explained the situation to them, and showed them the note. He even had breakfast ready for them; Pancakes, cereal, juice, milk, and coffee for those who needed an eye-opener.

"So," the fox concluded, "I'm sure that I can count on all competent, sane, and rational Care Bear Cousins to help me see they day through. However, since I know of no Cousins who fit that description, I'll have to work with you lot. It's not much but it's what I have. Are there any questions? Comments? Things you want to bring up?" Soulful looked around and saw a pink appendage in the air. "Yes, Lotsa?"

"There is something I think you should know." Lotsa Heart Elephant said. There was a pause.

"And that would be…?" Soulful asked calmly. Lotsa scratched his head.

"Uh, I forgot." Soulful hung his head in annoyance.

"Well I'm sure you'll remember it eventually." He smiled politely as he lied through his teeth. If the pink pachyderm stayed true to form he wouldn't remember what it was until it was too late to be of any use. Still he was the leader and it was his duty to be patient and understanding.

Of course, said patience and understanding goes out the window when one gets smacked in the face with a moist pancake. Sputtering angrily, he turned his eyes on his assailant.

"PLAYFUL HEART!" He bellowed. Playful Heart Monkey didn't notice. He was too busy downing what looked like his twelfth cup of coffee.

"What do you think you're doing?" Soulful demanded, his patience gone not five minutes after taking the bloody job. Playful put his cup down, paused as if thinking it over, then blew a raspberry in Soulful's face as he ran out of the Hall of Hearts at speeds that surpassed even Swift Heart.

Taken aback, Soulful Heart just stared for a moment, his mouth agape. Then an angry look took over his face. "AFTER THAT MONKEY!" He roared.

Not having any better ideas, the assembled Cousins charged out of the Hall of Hearts just in time to see Playful Heart hop into a cloud mobile and take off into the wild blue yonder.

The Cousins just stared. "Now what?" someone asked. "How can we catch him now?"

"I don't think that's going to be a problem." Bright Heart Raccoon answered, still looking up.

"And why's that?" Soulful inquired.

"Because he's coming back!" Sure enough, Playful's cloud mobile zoomed back into sight, heading straight for them!

"Duck!" Soulful shouted as he hit the dirt, er, cloud. You get the idea. The cloud mobile passed bare inches over them before flying up again.

"Did you see that!" Loyal Heart Dog asked in amazement as they climbed back to their feet.

"No Loyal, we all missed the part where the village idiot took off in the cloud mobile!" Soulful snapped sarcastically, right before they all had to duck again when Playful shot back over them. To make matters even more infuriating, he had started singing:

"…_Bouncing here and there and everywhere! High adventure that's beyond compare…"_ Soulful snarled in barely contained rage.

"THAT'S IT! SHOOT HIM DOWN!" The other cousins stood stunned. Either at the order or just at how odd this whole scene was. Either way Soulful Heart decided that if you had to do something right it was best to do it yourself. After two unsuccessful attempts, Soulful managed to bring Playful's cloud mobile down with a well-aimed Call.

The remaining Cousins dashed over to see if Playful was all right. They got their answer when Playful suddenly sat up in his seat and kicked out the bottom of the cloud mobile. Then, still running on a caffeine high, used his feet as an engine and ran, now singing the Flintstones theme.

"What do we do now?" Cozy Heart Penguin asked. "Playful Heart's not in his right state of mind—"

"You mean he has one?" Soulful asked bitterly.

"—all alone in the wide, wide world." She finished sadly.

"I have never felt more sympathetic in all my life, but we'll worry about the world later." Soulful sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He felt a migraine coming on. "Swift Heart, go bring Playful back and I don't care in what shape he's in when you do."

"Uh, sure thing boss." Swift Heart Rabbit said as she sketched a salute. Any job that got her out of Soulful's way when he was in a bad mood was a good one. Revving her feet, she took off after the insane monkey.

No one said anything for a few moments. Then Playful Heart (still in the cloud mobile) ran back through Care-a-Lot, Swift Heart right behind him, a blue blur chasing an orange-tan blur. Soulful sighed. "Any ideas on what to do now?"

"I think I-er, no sorry." Lotsa said. "I thought I remembered what I forgot, but I forgot it again."

"Wonderful." Soulful snapped. "Any one else?"

"Well we could do what Brave Heart would." Loyal Heart suggested.

"And what would that be?"

"This!" Loyal Heart drew himself upright, arched his back and bellowed "CHARGE!" at the top of his lungs and started running full tilt…right into a wall. He fell backwards and lay unconscious. After a moment or two his leg started twitching in a typical canine manner. Soulful Heart blinked in amazement at the mind-boggling stupidity of it all.

"Does anyone else have any ideas?" The fox asked, ignoring the unconscious dog. Several paws were raised. Not willing to be taken in twice, Soulful added. "Any _useful_ or _intelligent_ ideas?" The paws came down all save for Bright Heart's.

"Well I think perhaps if we went to my workshop I could build something to catch Playful."

"Sounds just vague enough to work." Soulful mused. "Lead on." As the assembled group walked on (leaving Loyal Heart behind) to Bright Heart's workshop they were nearly flattened by the ongoing Roadrunner-and-Coyote like antics of Playful Heart and Swift Heart. A series of sudden crashes alerted the group that the speeding duo had ended up inside a building and were proceeding to tear its insides to shreds.

"My workshop!" Bright Heart moaned when they approached the scene. He fell to his knees at the sight. Playful and Swift Heart's merry chase had led them straight through his beloved workshop, wrecking a good many inventions. Soulful watched in amazement as Bright Heart picked up what looked to be a smashed toaster and cradle it gently. He looked like he was about to cry.

Soulful felt sorry for him, but truth be told, he felt that too many of Bright Heart's inventions that didn't work often enough, and even then they were of questionable value when they did. Soulful felt his jaw drop as he spied some of the odder works in Bright Heart's workshop. He was about to ask why in the world Bright Heart had built a life-sized remake of _Optimus_ _Prime_ of all things before deciding on further reflection that he really didn't want to know.

Sighing, the fox started massaging his temples. "Gentle Heart, stay here with Bright Heart. Try to bring him out of it." Gentle Heart Lamb nodded as she laid a comforting paw on Bright Heart's shoulder. Turning to the rest of the Cousins, Soulful said, "The rest of you, take five. I'm going to go lie down now."

Not looking back, Soulful trudged off, looking for a good place to rest. Finally finding a nice shady spot underneath a tree, he sat down and leaned back against it, sighing contently for the first time that day and dozed off. He was awoken not two minutes later by being rudely shaken by a pink elephant. Sleepily Soulful wondered if perhaps he was drunk then dismissed the notion on two grounds: One, he didn't drink. It was too early to start and he was afraid that he'd never stop. Two: Pink elephants that appeared in drunken visions weren't this aggravating.

"What is it Lotsa?" Soulful growled as he stood up. "I don't suppose you finally remembered what you were trying to tell me earlier?"

"Uh, no, sorry. But there's something else I have to tell you!"

"And what's that?"

"Well, Swift Heart was having trouble catching up to Playful Heart since he was still on a caffeine high. So she thought that she had to fight fire with fire…"

"You mean now I have _two_ Cousins running around like idiots on a caffeine high?" Soulful shrieked in dismay. Lotsa Heart shook his head.

"Uh, no." Soulful sighed.

"That's relief."

"Swift Heart's actually on a sugar rush…"

"…She's what!" Soulful Heart shouted. "Where did she get enough sugar to…never mind I can figure it out myself." He snarled. "Just great. I'm going to go round up the others to bring them both down. As for you," Soulful beckoned him to lean over. When Lotsa did, Soulful grabbed him by his massive ear and shouted into it, "STAY HERE, COUNT TO A THOUSAND AND THEN COME FIND ME AND TELL ME WHAT YOU MEANT TO TELL ME IN THE FIRST PLACE! IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER BY THEN I WILL PERSONALLY TIE YOUR TRUNK IN A KNOT! IS…THAT…CLEAR?" Lotsa Heart, now partially deaf, nodded. "GOOD!"

Lotsa Heart faced the tree and began counting as Soulful stomped away. "One…two…three…four…"

Soulful marched over to the Hall of Heart's kitchen. He was hardly surprised to see Treat Heart Pig sitting in the kitchen munching on junk food. What he was taken aback by was the fact that she seemed to be sitting on a rather large bag of ice cubes.

"What are you doing?" He demanded in annoyance, not sure how much more of this he could take.

Treat Heart shifted in her seat then winced in pain. "I was trying to reach one of the higher cabinets when I fell off a chair and bruised my…pride."

"Nice save." Soulful said. "Never mind that now, though. I want you to get rid of all the sugar…and all the caffeine…in the Kingdom of Caring."

"What? Why?" She whined grabbing a bag of cookies and holding it close as if it were her child. Just then, Playful Heart dashed into the room (fortunately no longer in his downed cloud mobile) and began literally running on the walls, as usual, pursued closely by Swift Heart. Before they could even blink, they were gone again, their insane chase continuing on.

"_That's_ why." Soulful said pointedly. "Now get up and do as I said."

"But it hurts to move!" Treat Heart whined as she rubbed her bruised backside. "Can't you show a little sympathy?"

"I am, I'm being extremely sympathetic to that poor bag of ice you're sitting on." He said nastily. "Now get up before my foot finds your rear!" Treat Heart quailed and bolted out of the room. Snorting in disgust, Soulful mentally took stock of who was where:

"Brave Heart Lion; missing, Loyal Heart Dog; unconscious, Lotsa Heart Elephant; counting at that tree, Bright Heart Raccoon; in mourning over his inventions, Gentle Heart Lamb; with Bright Heart, Playful Heart Monkey; running around like a maniac, Swift Heart Rabbit; ditto, Treat Heart Pig; disposing of sugar and caffeine." Soulful sighed. That only left Cozy Heart Penguin and Proud Heart Cat left. He didn't both counting Perfect Panda and Polite Panda (who didn't live in the Kingdom of Caring) nor did he count the various custom and fan made Cousins who drifted in and out.

"Down to two Cousins. I don't know whether to be disappointed, proud, sad, or just relieved." He sighed. "I hate my life." He passed by Lotsa Heart as he headed down to the Rainbow River. "Any luck yet?"

"Eight hundred forty-two…eight hundred forty-three…uh no, sorry." Soulful rolled his eyes and kept walking. Lotsa Heart turned back to the tree and tried to pick up where he left off. "Eight hundred and…or was it seven hundred…better be safe. One…two…three…"

Walking down to the Rainbow River Soulful Heart found Cozy Heart at home. But something was different about the Rainbow River and it didn't take long to figure out what it was.

"Cozy, why is the Rainbow River made of pudding?" He asked calmly, too confused to be angry yet. The penguin shrugged.

"Search me." She said. Soulful winced as she whistled her 's' in a high pitch. "I think it has something to do with the Great Lakes though. I think they turned to pudding too. Lake Eire is chocolate flavored, Lake Ontario vanilla, and Lake Michigan—"

"Excuse me Cozy Heart, but this is irrelevant isn't it?" Soulful inquired.

"I guess so."

"Just checking." It occurred to Soulful to ask her one other question. "Why is there a submarine parked right outside your home?"

"Oh that. Found it in the Rainbow River. Old Soviet Typhoon-class sub. No nukes though, sadly." Soulful blinked at the genuinely remorseful tone in her voice.

"Err…" He said in lieu of anything else.

"But on the upside, I did find _these_!" She said happily, brandishing something at Soulful. 'These' happened to be glass flasks of vodka. Judging from the volume of the liquid inside, Cozy had been drinking them for a while now. While the poor fox just stood their blinking in confusion, Cozy Heart began singing a rather bawdy drinking song that was not all appropriate for this story's rating.

Eventually the flask slipped out of Cozy's grasp (which is why opposable digits are better at holding things than flippers) and landed on her foot. The penguin gasped and immediately began cursing like a sailor, hopping on one flipper as she did so.

Soulful Heart's jaw dropped in shock and then in awe of her truly amazing skill at swearing. He mentally filed a few of the choicer oaths away for future reference. After about five minutes he started to sweat as she had neither stopped nor even slowed down in her violent cursing. Soulful slowly began to back away, never taking his eyes off the sight, then once he was a good distance away, turned around and ran like hell.

When he stopped running he found himself back at the tree where Lotsa Heart was still counting.

"Six hundred and twenty-two…six hundred and twenty-three…" He counted. Panting with exhaustion, Soulful asked;

"Where's Proud Heart?"

"Six hundred and…I think she's at her home. I, uh, still haven't remembered in case you're wondering."

"Fine." Soulful sighed as he walked off. "Carry on."

"Now where was I?" Lotsa Heart wondered. He'd forgotten again. "Oh well. One…two…"

Soulful stormed off to the last Care Bear Cousin who wasn't already occupied, unconscious, or missing. "Proud Heart?" Soulful asked as he knocked on the door. There was no answer. With a martyred sigh, the fox opened the door and stepped in.

He found Proud Heart lying on her sofa with a glazed expression, idly playing with one of her cat toys. "Proud Heart I need you to help me—Proud Heart, are you even listening?"

"Sure, I'll take two." She mumbled. Soulful grumbled something nasty under his breath as he stormed over and grabbed her toy away.

"Now you listen here, I—" He sniffed the air. "What is that smell?" Looking at the toy in his hands Soulful groaned. "Is that _catnip_?"

"N-no, of course not—" Proud Heart said, lucid now that her toy was taken from her.

"Yes it is!" Soulful snapped. "Don't lie to me!"

"It's not mine! I'm holding it for a friend! Get off my back!" Soulful groaned for what seemed like the millionth time that day and threw the toy out the window in disgust. Proud Heart took a flying leap after it, only to have the window fall shut on her tail.

Yowling in pain, Proud Heart struggled to remove her tail from under the window. Soulful didn't bother waiting to see if she would be successful or not. He just stormed off. The increasingly enraged fox considered seeing if Bright Heart had ceased mourning his broken inventions or if he could borrow Gentle Heart for a while, but eventually decided against it. Soulful knew that if he went over there some other strange or moronic thing would happen that would render them useless for the rest of the day.

Trudging past Lotsa Heart he asked him, "Do you know where Grumpy Bear is?"

"Seven hundred and sixty-one…er, I think he's somewhere around the Hall of Hearts." Lotsa turned back to the tree to continue counting again. "Now where was I? Seven hundred and…and, was it seven hundred and sixty-three?"

"Seven hundred and sixty-_two_, Lotsa." Soulful corrected as he walked away.

"Right." The pink elephant nodded to himself. "Seven hundred and sixty-two…seven hundred and sixty-one…seven hundred and sixty…"

Soulful Heart Fox idly wondered what the odds were that Grumpy would be named as temporary leader of the Care Bears. Probably no worse than the odds that the Care Bear Cousins were all apparently idiots or substance abusers.

As Soulful headed towards the Hall of Hearts he spied Grumpy and most of the Care Bears at tummy symbol practice out in front.

"Hello Grumpy." Soulful said brightly. "Has your day been as gut-wrenchingly horrible as mine?"

"I'll let you be the judge." Grumpy mumbled as he began ticking points off his fingers. "Wish Bear lost her favorite Star-o-scope, Bedtime Bear fell asleep—like that's unusual—, Champ Bear pulled a muscle, Funshine Bear hasn't stopped with his practical jokes—"

"Wait, you mean 'her practical jokes' don't you?" Soulful asked. Grumpy paused.

"Funshine's a male." Soulful blinked once then frowned.

"I thought she was a female."

"No, male."

"Funshine was female in the Nutcracker Special." Soulful pointed out.

"But he was a male in the Second Movie." Grumpy countered.

"But what about that episode where…wait a minute, what are we talking about?"

"I have no idea. I think we were talking about Funshine and his practical jokes."

"_Her_ practical jokes."

"His."

"Her."

"His!"

"Her!"

"HIS!"

"HER!"

"HIS!"

"HER!"

"HIS!"

"HER—Oh forget it, it's not worth arguing about. Stupid loose continuity. If Funshine's confused about hir gender, then it's not our problem." Grumpy nodded in clear agreement.

"Well said. Anyway, _s/he's_ been playing practical jokes all day and Good Luck Bear's run off to be with Polite Panda."

"That's rough." Soulful said. Whenever Grumpy was in a tight spot he liked to have Good Luck around. It was thought that Good Luck's innate, well, good luck would hold at bay whatever supernatural unluckiness that plagued Grumpy or at the very least, mitigate it to a manageable degree. The fact that Good Luck left probably went a long way to explaining just why Grumpy's day has been so bad.

"Yeah. As if that's not enough I _think_ Secret Bear's been trying to tell us something all day but no one can figure out just what it might be though."

"Why not get Friend Bear? If anyone can figure out what Secret's trying to tell you, it's her." Grumpy just glared at him.

"Friend Bear has laryngitis. So we don't know what she's trying to tell us about what Secret Bear's trying to tell us." Soulful winced.

"Now, _that's_ what you call ironic."

"Tell me about it." Grumpy bit out angrily. "So…how's _your_ day going?" Before Soulful could even answer a blue blur stopped right in front of him and Grumpy. It was Swift Heart, who was out of breath and panting.

"Soulful!BeastlycapturedPlayfulHeartandtookhimtoNoHeartandProudHeartisstuckinatreeanddistractedLotsaHeartfromcountinghewasatengativetwohundredfiftytwoandhadtostartalloveragainandLoyalHeart'schasinghistailTreatHeart'sswimmingintheRainbowRiverwhichisfullofpuddingandCozyHeart'scursingaboutsomethingandBrightHeart'scryingintoGentleHeart'sarmsandI'mreallyreallytiredandthinkI'mabouttofalloversogoodnightnow."

Soulful Heart and Grumpy blinked in amazement. She had managed to say that all in a single breath. Her message delivered, Swift Heart's eyes rolled upwards and she toppled over backwards, asleep before she even hit the ground. Pointing at the rabbit lying prone on the ground, Soulful said to Grumpy:

"_That_ is how my day is going." He told the blue bear. Grumpy nodded.

"You win."

"I'd rather have lost."

"So…" Grumpy said, not sure how to continue. "Didn't she say something about No Heart having Playful Heart?"

"I think so, yes."

"Um…I'm not the leader of the Cousins or anything (thank God) but shouldn't you, you know, organize a rescue party or something?"

"Grumpy…even if I _had_ any Cousins left I wouldn't bother. If No Heart wants Playful Heart so bad he can bloody well keep him."

"Oh, okay…You all right?"

"No, of course not. Has anyone else ever had to lead such a collection of complete dolts and maniacs?" That gave him an idea… "I'll talk to you later Grumpy, I have something to take care of." With that, the fox bolted into the Hall of Hearts, leaving Grumpy behind wondering at just what he missed.

"Do I want to know what this is all about?" He asked no one in particular. Looking down at Swift Heart, who had begun snoring like a buzz saw, Grumpy thought, "Hmm, not."

Soulful headed over to the Rainbow Rescue Beam. He never really liked the contraption, especially after it accidentally transported him into a meat packing plant, but now he thought he could actually have a use for it. Assuming that it worked of course. The lousy thing worked intermittently at best and spent more time under repair than it did in actual operation. Fortunately, thanks to a little good luck, the laws of pointless coincidences, and a plot hole big enough to ride an elephant through (and I'm _not_ talking about Lotsa Heart!) Soulful managed to find just the being he was looking for and hit the button to transport him to the Hall of Hearts.

There was a bright flash and suddenly appearing in the Hall of Hearts was a bipedal, green-skinned humanoid in a blue cape and red eyes that were currently blinking in confusion, probably wondering where he was and how the hell he got there. Soulful took the opportunity to speak up.

"J'onn Jo'nnz, the Martian Manhunter?" He asked. When the green being nodded, he pressed on. "Hello, my name is Soulful Heart Fox, temporary (I hope) leader of the Care Bear Cousins. Unfortunately, said Care Cousins are for the most part, well, insane child-minded idiots. I understand you have some experience with this."

"Oh, yes." The Martian sighed thinking of the antics of the lunatic superheroes he was leader of in the Justice League International (after Batman had _graciously_ handed him leadership):

Booster Gold and Blue Beetle's mischief and get rich(er) quick schemes, Green Lantern Guy Gardner, "Rambo with a Ring" who caused more sexual harassments suits then any ten politicians, Captain Atom and his mournful lack of pants, Mister Miracle and Big Barda, the Question, Batman, Hawkgirl, and other assorted cape-and-cowl crazies…and those were just the ones on _his_ side. J'onn sighed again.

"Great H'ronmeer, yes, I do. But that doesn't explain how I got here—wherever _here_ is—or why." In a few brief sentences Soulful explained how he used the Rainbow Rescue Beam—hereafter referred to as "The Plot Device"—to bring J'onn to Care-a-Lot.

He also explained the day he'd been having. "I was hoping you could give me a few tips on what to do. How do you get through the day?"

"I can answer that in one word." The Martian said as he reached into the folds of his cape and pulled out a bag. "Oreos."

"Oreos?" Soulful repeated.

"Oreos." J'onn confirmed. "I'm on a five bag a day habit. It helps. Especially if they're double stufs."

"I'll keep that in mind." Soulful Heart said numbly. "Thanks."

"Now then, if you could be so kind as to return me JLI headquarters so I could continue—" He was interrupted as Treat Heart hurried into the Hall of Hearts.

"I did what you said Soulful. I got rid of all the sugar—and caffeine—in the Kingdom of Caring. Only now I'm so hungry for a snack I could…are those _Oreos_?" She asked hopefully, transfixed on the bag the Martian was holding.

"No! These are mine!" J'onn protested, clutching his bag of precious Oreos close to him.

"Fork them over Greenie!" Treat Heart yelled as she dived towards him. J'onn used his Martian abilities to turn intangible, causing Treat Heart to simply leap _through_ him. He seized the opportunity to, literally, take flight and flee the Hall of Hearts, flying half a meter above the ground. Treat Heart, not to be denied, took off in fast pursuit in a manner all too reminiscent of the ludicrous chase between Playful Heart and Swift Heart that had only been resolved (if resolved means that one participant is abducted by a mortal foe and the other experiences a sugar crash) just a few moments prior.

Massaging his temples, Soulful decided to try again. Entering in new coordinates in to The Plot Device, Soulful pushed a button and a new figure appeared in the Hall of Hearts.

"This is _not_ my hot tub, no…" The figure grumbled, idly squeezing a small yellow rubber duck in his hand. I say hand, singular, because he only had one. His other arm was in fact a cannon. The figure was in fact a purplish robot about two meters tall. His chest looked like a tyrannosaurus' head and his own face was even more predator-like.

"Um…Transmetal Beast Wars Megatron?" Soulful Heart asked. "Hello, I—urk!" He gasped as Megatron grabbed the hapless fox around the throat and hauled him up to eye level.

"What sort of Maximal treachery is this, tiny furry fleshling?"

"No trick." Soulful gasped, realizing with no little distress that being strangled by a megalomaniacal robot was _not_ the worst thing that happened to him today. "Just…wanted…to…talk." It was rather difficult to do so, however, when one is being strangled.

"Then talk." Megatron said as he unceremoniously dropped him. "But this better not be a trick, no…"

"…No, it's not." Soulful assured him hoarsely as he rubbed his throat. As with the Martian Manhunter, Soulful explained his position and his inquiry as to whether or not Megatron had similar problems in regards to his own troops.

Megatron squeezed his rubber duck in annoyance as he thought of his troops: the double-, and sometimes even triple-dealing spiders, Blackarachnia and Tarantulus, the annoying pessimism and speech impediment of Waspinator, who couldn't go five minutes without blowing up it seemed, as well as the insane ant-like devotion and loyalty of the Predacon's resident pyromaniac, the aptly named Inferno, who called Megatron his "Queen." Megatron also thought of the irritatingly treacherous and whiny Terrosaur as well as the irritatingly loyal and whiny Scorponok both of whom were only slightly less irritating now that they were dead. At least, he's pretty sure they're dead. Loose continuity doesn't just affect Care Bears after all, no…

When Soulful asked if Megatron had any advice when it came to dealing with his subordinates and their euphemistically called "quirks" Megatron's only response was to hold out his yellow rubber duck and squeezed it.

"I find hot tubs and rubber ducks most relaxing, yes…Now, return me to my ship or I shall destroy you like the insignificant…" Megatron trailed off as he stared out through the open doors of the Hall of Hearts, his optics wide in shock. Soulful followed his gaze and slapped his paw to his forehead as (in another pointless yet utterly contrived coincidence) Bright Heart's Optimus Prime construct chose _that_ minute to stroll past.

"Face me Prime!" Megatron bellowed as he hovered off the floor. "In the memory of the Decepticons, for the glory of the Predacons, face me and meet thy doom!" With that, Megatron blasted out through the wall, Soulful guessed that using the door wouldn't have been dramatic enough, and Transmetal Megatron (Beast Wars) proceeded to do battle with Optimus Prime (G1) in a continuity error of such magnitude that is surely heralded a breakdown in the space-time continuum.

Not that anyone would notice is by this point, of course.

Soulful fought the urge to scream. "Third time's the charm." He said hopefully as he entered one last set of coordinates into The Plot Device and brought a third being to the Hall of Hearts. He peered at the figure he brought and gulped nervously. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea…

Garbed in a black robe, silver helmet, and white gloves, the being's body was hidden form view. All that could be seen was a black furred face, tapered snout, and red eyes that said "Don't Mess With Me."

"Guardian Spectre?" Soulful asked nervously, a bit wary after what had happened with the last two beings he'd brought here. He gulped nervously as Spectre fixed him with a glare that even J'onn would've thought worthy of Batman. "I-I was wondering if you had any advice regarding…" He trailed off. Spectre was just too bloody scary. Being telepathic, Soulful didn't have to voice his question or explain the circumstances that had brought him to bring Spectre here.

Spectre looked around at the Hall of Hearts. Brightly colored walls, heart-shaped table, Megatron-shaped hole in the wall…He frowned.

"You need to fire you're architect." Spectre grumbled at Soulful.

"Well I don't think we'll be rehiring him any time soon…"

"No. I meant fire him as in fire him out of a cannon and into a brick wall." Soulful winced at image. Answering the question Soulful was too nervous to ask, Spectre continued.

"Let me tell you something fox. I am over a century and a half old. I have seven generations of off spring from my line and I must say, nearly all of them have been a bitter disappointment. My son is a snarky, mean-spirited old fart who hasn't done anything worthwhile in decades, my second-son a perverted lecher with a pornography collection that would fill this hall. My fourth-son is a childish buffoon who lives for mischief and giving me headaches, my sixth-son is obsessed with technology and has developed an unhealthy voyeurism in regards to his ex-wife and is little more than a video-stalker. My third-daughter died early, and my fifth- and seventh-sons will probably be driven insane before long as well. As eldest Guardian it is my duty to keep my insane family together and protect the Master Emerald from my twisted Great-Uncle's attempts to steal it. I have been searching for ways to deal with my family for decades and have come up with nothing. If I find something I will be sure to let you know. Now, return me to Haven and the Floating Island before I get annoyed."

Soulful would have been happy, _extremely_ happy, to do so, were it not for the racket outside that had now spilled into the Hall of Hearts. J'onn J'onzz was engaged in a brutal tug of war over his bag of Oreos with Treat Heart, Megatron and Optimus Prime continued to duke it out, No Heart had shown up with Playful Heart (who had been stuffed in a sack for everyone's convenience) and was demanding that the Care Bears take the insane monkey back and pay restitution for the damage he had caused to his castle. Lotsa Heart had shown up and was still counting (having been interrupted and losing count seventeen times since last we saw him). For no readily apparent reason, the other Care Bears and Care Cousins had also assembled and milling around aimlessly. The noise level was deafening. Spectre tried to ignore what sounded to him like way too much plot.

Eventually, though, Spectre could take no more. "THAT'S ENOUGH!" The Ancient, pissed-off echidna roared. Everyone and everything in the Hall of Heart's came to a grinding halt. The battling Transformers wilted under the echidna's gaze. Lotsa Heart lost count again. Spectre glowered. "Now, if you're all done being stupid…"

"We've got more, but you go ahead," some wit called out and immediately regretted it when Spectre's eyes flashed.

"YOU AND YOU!" Spectre shouted, pointing at the Martian Manhunter and Megatron in turn. "BACK ONTO THE PLOT DEVICE AND GO BACK TO YOUR OWN REALITIES! YOU!" He pointed to No Heart, "GO AWAY! AS FOR THE REST OF YOU," Spectre turned to the Care Bear Family "SHUT THE HELL UP!"

J'onn and Megatron sheepishly climbed into The Plot Device, neither wanting to anger the old echidna further. No Heart briefly considered pressing his case, but took one look at Spectre's face and realized that his ability to turn into animals was nothing compared to Spectre's various Chaos-derived powers. With a firm desire to live to see another day, No Heart left. Out of a similar desire, the Care Bear Family did what they were told and for the first time that day, shut the hell up.

Spectre activated The Plot Device and sent the Martian and the Beast Warrior back to where they belonged. He then spent the next ten minutes describing in _agonizing_ detail just what he would do to each and every member of the Care Bear Family if they ever drew him into their messes again. What he threatened was illegal, immoral, and anatomically and physically impossible. But then again, so was just about everything else in this story so far.

Deciding that they had been properly terrified, Spectre headed back into The Plot Device and sent himself home. He had a headache and _really_ wanted to lie down.

Silence prevailed for some time after that. Then Lotsa Heart cleared his throat.

"Umm, Soulful Heart?" He said nervously.

"Yeah, Lotsa?"

"I kinda remembered what I meant to tell you earlier at breakfast."

"What is it?"

"I was going to tell you that maybe you shouldn't let Playful Heart have any coffee. He doesn't react to caffeine well." Stunned silence continued for another minute. Then it was broken with an Earth shattering roar.

"LOTSA HEART ELEPHANT! YOU—!" What came after the 'you' cannot be repeated. Soulful Heart charged after the pink elephant who, when his life was on the line, proved to be pretty darn fast when he wanted to. The Care Bear family looked on at the third insane chase of the day.

At that moment, Tenderheart Bear and Brave Heart Lion (who's absence has _still_ not been fully explained) chose that minute to come back. "So," Brave Heart asked, looking around. "Did we miss anything?"

Our story, mercifully, draws to a close now. Noble Heart and True Heart eventually return and Grumpy and Soulful Heart happily turn over leadership of the Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins over to their usual leaders. Soulful Heart vowed never to accept leadership of the Cousins again. Just in case though, he stockpiled for the terrible day when he might find himself in that position again. He wasn't too terribly worried though. He had what he needed: Mountains of Oreo bags, a yellow rubber duck, a black robe and silver helmet, and a small, remarkable book with the words "Don't Panic" inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover. After all, what more could you possibly need?

**THE END (FINALLY)**

J'onn Jo'nzz, Megatron, Optimus Prime, Spectre, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and the Care Bears are © to their respective owners, none of whom are me. Characterizations of these characters however, are the result of other fan authors who imbibed them with their own unique spins.

LM ( was the inspiration for how J'onn Jo'nzz acts in this fic and has written many hilarious fanfics about the Justice League (as well as My Little Pony) where she gives both worlds a flavor that is all her own.

Wayward ( did the same for Megatron in this fic and her fanfics about Transformers (G1, Beast Wars, and random silliness) are absolutely hysterical. Most of the Fourth Walling is probably inspired by her fics.

Cerwyn Daquin (her stories can be found at has written several hilarious stories (as well as some more serious ones) about the Brotherhood of Guardians from Archie Comics Knuckles: The Echidna Series. They again, provide the basis for Spectre's characterization and references to her fics are mentioned in Spectre's description of his descendants. BTW, when he says second-son he doesn't mean his second-born son, he means his son's son, and so on. No one in the Brotherhood has more than one offspring. At least, no member mentioned in this fic anyway.

Douglas Adams (Author of the increasingly inaccurately named Hitchhiker's Trilogy) also provided me with inspiration for some random wackiness, hence the small tribute at the end.

Soulful Heart Fox is © to me and will probable want to kill me for putting him through this. If he doesn't I'll probably write more fan fiction in the future. If not, you won't have to wonder what happened to me.

Peace out.


End file.
